What Should I Do If My Ex Is Abusive Over Text?

What counts as abusive text messaging?

Abusive text messaging can include threats, intimidation, degrading language, harassment, sexual abuse, monitoring, impersonation, coercion or repeated unwanted contact used to frighten, punish or control someone. Digital abuse can happen through SMS, WhatsApp, email, social media, shared accounts, parenting platforms and children’s devices.

Police.uk describes digital domestic abuse as using technology to monitor, stalk, harass, threaten, control or impersonate another person. GOV.UK statutory guidance recognises that technology-facilitated abuse can continue after separation and may include threatening communications, account control, spyware and location monitoring.

Context matters. A rude message is unacceptable, but it does not automatically establish a criminal offence or a pattern of coercive control. Conversely, an apparently ordinary question can be controlling when it forms part of repeated surveillance or punishment. Consider frequency, unwanted contact, fear, power and impact.

Is this conflict, harassment or domestic abuse?

Cafcass emphasises that harmful conflict and domestic abuse are distinct. Abuse should not be reframed as a shared communication failure or treated as something both parents must mediate equally.

How should I preserve abusive text messages?

Preserve the original material before deciding what to send to anybody. A screenshot can be useful, but a single cropped image may omit the account, preceding message, timestamp or later threat that establishes context.

Do not ask a child to photograph the other parent’s phone or collect evidence. Evidence gathering must never place a child in the adult dispute or create additional risk.

Should I reply to an abusive text?

You do not owe an answer to an insult or threat simply because it arrived through a parenting conversation. However, a hostile message may contain necessary information about medicine, a collection or a child’s safety. Separate those elements.

If a solicitor, police officer, domestic abuse worker or safety plan advises no direct response, follow that advice. A generic communication script should never override case-specific safeguarding guidance or a court order.

What can I say if a reply is necessary?

Avoid messages such as “Keep going—I’m collecting evidence” or “You’ll regret this.” They may escalate risk and obscure the difference between the original behaviour and your response. Calm wording is useful for safety and clarity, not because the abuse is your responsibility.

Should I block my ex?

Blocking can stop immediate notifications, but co-parents may still need a safe route for necessary information. Blocking can also cause the sender to switch accounts or channels. There is no universal answer.

Before blocking, consider:

• Whether anybody is in immediate danger
• Whether a police officer, solicitor or support worker has given advice
• Any court order or written communication arrangement
• Whether the original messages have been preserved
• Whether an alternative child-related channel is safe and available
• Whether changing access could alert someone who monitors your device

One option may be to mute notifications and retain the channel for evidence while a trusted professional helps establish a safer process. Another may be to move routine parenting communication to a dedicated app. Do what is safe in your circumstances rather than treating blocking as a test of strength.

When should I contact the police?

Call 999 where there is immediate danger. Police.uk says non-emergency digital domestic abuse can be reported online, by calling 101 or at a police station. You do not need to decide which offence may have been committed before asking for help.

Report the full pattern, not only the most recent sentence. Explain previous threats, unwanted contact, offline behaviour, account access, location tracking and the effect on your daily life. If children have been mentioned or used to create fear, say so clearly.

If you believe a report has not captured the pattern, ask how to provide additional evidence or obtain a reference number. Specialist domestic abuse services can help you think through reporting and safety, but they cannot guarantee a police or court outcome.

Could abusive texts be used in family court?

Messages may be relevant in family proceedings, but relevance, authenticity, context and the issues before the court matter. A screenshot does not automatically prove every interpretation placed upon it. Courts consider evidence as part of a wider factual and welfare assessment.

Keep the full record and obtain legal advice about what is proportionate. Submitting hundreds of repetitive screenshots without explanation may be less useful than a clear chronology linked to original material. Never edit a message to make it appear more serious.

Our guide on whether family courts can use text messages as evidence explains the general considerations. Only a qualified adviser who knows your case can tell you how particular messages should be presented.

How can I improve my digital safety?

Police.uk recommends strong account passwords, protecting devices, checking social-media privacy and considering whether location services expose you. The National Cyber Security Centre provides current advice on securing accounts and devices.

Safety warning: changing passwords, location access or shared accounts can alert an abusive person. If that may increase danger, use a safe device and speak with a specialist service before making visible changes.

How do I protect my child from abusive messages?

Do not show the child abusive messages to prove what the other parent is like. Do not ask them to monitor a device, report conversations or carry a response. Children may already feel divided loyalties and should not become evidence collectors.

• Keep adult communication away from the child’s device where possible.
• Give age-appropriate reassurance without disclosing graphic or frightening details.
• Listen if the child reports feeling scared or pressured.
• Record their exact words without repeated questioning.
• Raise safeguarding concerns with the appropriate professionals.
• Follow any police, social-care or court guidance.

Cafcass focuses on the impact of adult behaviour on the child’s welfare. Keeping a child out of the messages does not mean hiding a genuine risk from professionals; it means using adult safeguarding routes rather than making the child responsible.

Can a co-parenting app help with abusive texts?

A dedicated app can create one organised channel, retain messages, separate calendars and expenses from arguments and reduce the need to share a personal phone number. The Coparent App also provides permanent records and court-ready exports.

Its Boundary Mode pauses a parent’s normal sending after three unanswered messages. Quiet Mode can mute ordinary notifications during chosen hours, while emergency communication remains available. AI Mode can reduce inflammatory wording in normal messages when enabled.

These tools may reduce volume, timing pressure and harmful tone, but they do not assess danger, prevent every abusive act or replace police, legal and domestic abuse support. An abusive person may misuse emergency routes or move to another channel. Use technology as part of a wider safety plan where necessary.

Should I use mediation?

Mediation can help some separated parents make arrangements, but it is not automatically suitable where there is domestic abuse, intimidation or an inability to participate freely. The Family Mediation Council explains that mediators assess whether mediation is suitable and can discuss safety arrangements.

Tell the mediator privately about abusive messages and your concerns. Do not minimise them to appear co-operative. Shuttle mediation or remote arrangements may sometimes be considered, but a different legal or safeguarding route may be more appropriate.

A MIAM exemption may apply in some circumstances, including specified evidence of domestic abuse, but eligibility depends on current rules and evidence. Check current GOV.UK guidance or obtain legal advice rather than assuming an exemption.

A practical evidence and safety checklist

Do not wait for a perfect evidence file before seeking help. Evidence can support an assessment, but your safety does not depend on producing a complete case by yourself.

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